


The Things I've Always known

by IntrovertedBookWorm



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mentions of past abuse, My First Fanfic, Ronan Lynch Loves Adam Parrish, Ronan Lynch is Bad at Feelings, Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish Fluff, first I love you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-30
Updated: 2017-11-30
Packaged: 2019-02-08 19:55:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12871863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IntrovertedBookWorm/pseuds/IntrovertedBookWorm
Summary: Adam's having a bad night. Ronan is there.





	The Things I've Always known

Adam Parrish was lost. He was lost in a world of self-hatred and pain. Adam has always managed to hide that part of himself. Bury all the self-loathing down and lock it in a vault in his head. It helped that he had to focus on school. Getting lost in his school work always seemed to help him. Maybe that's why he did it so often, why he would bury himself in studying quadratic equations to block out the thoughts of how worthless he felt. 

For a long time, Adam felt useless and unloved. Well, why wouldn't he? He would wake up every day where someone would constantly throw him around. His father would scream how worthless and what a disappointment he was before slamming his fists into Adams body. 

No matter how hard Adam tried to not cause trouble or to get the best grades in school, he's always seen as a burden, leaving him with nothing but pain and heartache. No matter where the pain was coming from, he always felt it. It was always there pushing through every bruise or stinging against every scar or repeating the insults in his dark mind like a broken record, it was always there reminding him that his life was a mess that could not be cleaned. 

Adam had always believed that his life would get any better. He always thought that no matter how hard he tried in school, no matter how many nights he would stay awake studying instead of sleeping, he always thought that the best he could ever do was get out of Henrietta. 

It wasn't until Adam met Richard Gangsey III that Adam thought there might be light the end of the tunnel. Gangsey's quest to find Glendower added to the pile of things that Adam could use as a distraction.

Then there was Ronan Lynch. The two of them were like ice and fire. Ronan had the demeanor of a cold-hearted prick but underneath all of that was just a lost broken boy. During there friendship, they had the tendency to argue and fight a lot. They'd be at each other's throats for the smallest things.  
Adam guessed Ronan hated him. After all, he was the trailer trash who was pretending to be something he wasn't. 

That was before he kissed Adam in Ronan's childhood bedroom, before Adam realized his feelings for Ronan and before Adam kissed Ronan on the porch outside of the barns.  
After all that things got better. Ronan had no reason to like Adam. Adam wasn't attractive, not really. His sandpaper hair always flopped in his eyes, freckles dusted his cheeks and grease always seemed to stain his hands. Adam constantly smelled of petrol and like the forest most likely because of Cabeswater. Adam didn't understand why Ronan liked him. He didn't understand why Ronan treated Adam like he was the only person in the world. 

Adam loved Ronan. It was pretty obvious but he'd never said the words allowed. Adam loved the feeling of Ronan's hand in his or tracing Ronan's tattoo. Every touch was something that Adam cherished because there were no cruel intentions behind them. Adam no longer had to be afraid because Ronan was there. Ronan was his.  
Opal was there too. The dream child who had hooves instead of feet lived in the barn with Adam an Ronan. Although she was brought to life through one of Ronan's many dreams they both loved her like their own. Despite the fact that Opal had a habit of eating anything and everything and how she seemed was too wise for her age, she was family. They were all one messed up happy family. 

Adam hanked god that OPal was staying over at 300 Fox Way tonight. He would hate for her to see him like tis. A broken mess.

Unfortunately for Adam, the inevitable happened too soon. The vault that Adam had spent his life maintaining burst open and he spiraled into depression. Adam thought the final straw was him almost killing Ronan. Adams' hands had been around Ronan's neck and he kept squeezing, no matter how hard he begged himself to stop. He didn't. And Ronan didn't fight him off, all because he didn't want to hurt him. Adam loved and hated him for that. It was almost every night now that Adam, would wake up panicking because he had the same night terror of himself killing Ronan. 

Adam didn't even sleep anymore. He was too scared to close his eyes for more than a few seconds. For the past few weeks, Adam had stopped sleeping in the same bed as Ronan. He told Ronan that it was because he needed a little space and Ronan excepted it because he only wanted the best for Adam. So Adam spent all of his nights sitting on Declan's bed staring at the ceiling and wallowing in self-pity. It was pretty pathetic really. Well, that's what Adam thought. 

Tonight was one of the really bad nights. Adam hadn't had a wink of sleep for over two weeks now and it was becoming almost too much for Adam. Sure he'd rarely ever slept anyway due to his constant studying but this was way too much. 

Adam didn't remember how he ended up on the couch, knees pulled to his chest, his jumper smothering his cries. It was a trick he discovered a long time ago. He hates using it especially with Ronan, it makes him feel as though he has to hide. Tears were pouring down Adam's cheeks. Adam was just so lost and tired.  
Tonight Adam had come to the realization that the summer was almost over and Adam would have to go back to college. Alone. Ronan won't be there. Opal won't even be there, neither will Ronan's raven Chainsaw. 

Ronan.

What will happen when Ronan realizes Adams not worth all the effort? Will Ronan even bother to visit Adam? Why would Adam even want o put all that pressure on Ronan? Sure he did it last year but that was because it was their first year as an official couple. Back then they were still trying to figure out their feelings and learning things about each other. But what about now? Adam has been practically avoiding Ronan because he's afraid Ronan doesn't want them anymore. Adam has to face it. He's going to be alone again and will have no one to comfort him. He's spent too much time alone, he doesn't want to go back. The thought only makes Adam sob harder. 

It's all his fault really. If it wasn't for his stupid depression he wouldn't be in this position anyway. He wouldn't be starving himself or pushing Ronan away. He was preparing himself for when Ronan decided that Adam was no longer good enough. 

Adam cries harder, his whole body shaking. His breaths come out shorter as he grips the blanket he threw around himself, tighter. 

The lights flicker on making Adam wince a the sudden bright light. He shifts his gaze to where Ronan is standing shirtless in the doorway. "Adam?" 

Adam quickly stands, his legs shaking a bit from being in one position for too long. He rubs his eyes, trying to erase any evidence of his breakdown before Ronan noticed. 

"Adam?" Ronan repeats, taking a step forward. Adam takes two steps back. 

"Parrish whats wrong?" Adam shakes his head, wrapping his arms around himself, trying to stop his whole body shaking. 

"I'm fine Lynch. Just go back to bed." Adam mutters his voice raw from all the crying. 

Ronan approached Adam slowly. Adam shakes his head. "S-stop please." He stutters. 

"Adam talk to me whats wrong?" Ronan pleads, reaching out to Adam. He flinches. 

Ronas eyes widen and he stumbles back, pain flashes across his features and Adam forces himself to look away from Ronan, hating himself for putting that look on his face.  
"A-Adam you know I would-I- Adam. I would never hurt you." Ronan stumbles over his words. 

"It's fine Lynch. Just leave me alone." He replies, running a heavy hand through his hair. 

"No, not until you tell me what the fuck is wrong with you! This has gone on for long enough. We have seven weeks together Adam before you go back to school. Seven. And for four of them, you've been...I don't even know what you've been. You've been ignoring me, barely acknowledging Opal. You won't even sleep in the same bed as me Adam. Do you even want to be with me anymore? Do you want to break up?" Adam jerks his head up towards Ronan, his eyes wide. 

"I-is that what you want?" Adam squeaks out. He always knew that Ronan was going to break up with him but he thought he'd at least get to pretend that everything was okay for a little while longer. 

"Fuck no!" Ronan yells. "But I'm starting to think that's what you want. You don't talk to me, Adam. I know I'm shit at all the talking and feeling bull crap but I want you to talk to me, Adam. I want you to tell me why the fuck you're sitting in the dark sobbing!" 

Adam didn't know what it was. Maybe it was the complete and utter exhaustion he was feeling. Or his depression but anger rose up inside him. "Fine! You wanna know what the fuck is wrong with me. I'm depressed, Ronan. I've been depressed for as long as I can remember. I'm also tired, okay? Tired of being so weak, tired of not being good enough, tired of everything. I don't sleep anymore Ronan, I haven't slept in weeks because everytime I close my eyes my hands are back around your neck. My fucking awful hands. And their squeezing and I'm forced to watch as the life drains from your eyes. I'm terrified, Ronan! What if it happens again only this time it's Opal I'm choking. I don't want to be like him, Ronan. I don't want to be my father. I won't hut my own kid, I can't. I would rather die than turn into Robert Parrish. But I am, I am my father's son after all. I mean look at me I'm here screaming at you all because you're fucking worried about me." By the end of Adams rant, he's sobbing again. Ronan akes another step forward. 

"Adam, you're not your father." 

Adam inhales roughy. "I am Ronan. Why wouldn't I be? I've never been loved. My father saw me as a punching bag and not a son. My mother stood by and watched as I would get beaten then afterward while I was bleeding on the floor she'd blame me for my father's action before getting him another drink. To Gangsey I'm just another freakin' charity case. Blue didn't love me either. And you..." Adam pulled at his hair. Hard. 

Ronan strode towards Adam and in two steps he was standing barely inches away from him. Adam could feel Ronan's breath fan across his face and smell the mint from his toothpaste. "What about me Adam?" Adam looked away from Ronan and stared at his feet. 

"You don't love me either. I mean why would you. I have these breakdowns often. I can't take your gifts because I feel like I'll owe you something if I accept it and I'm a worthless piece of crap that doesn't deserve to be loved." Before Adam could comprehend what was happening, his body was pinned up against a wall. Adam looked up to meet the stormy blue eyes that were glaring down at him. 

Ronan jabbed a finger into Adams' chest. "Now you listen to me Parrish and you listen well. You don't get to tell me how I feel okay? You have no idea how much I care about you. Sure I'm a prick sometimes, sure you're a dick too but that doesn't mean I care any less. I do fucking love you. I love you more than your smart ass brain can understand. I love you so much that it's like a physical ache right here." Ronan places a hand on his heart. "I feel it everywhere, in my stomach, in my head, fuck even in my toes, And sometimes when you're just standing somewhere, talking to Gangsey or playing with Opal all the breath gets knocked out of me because I know no matter how hard I try or how many times I tell you. You won't realize how fucking perfect you are." 

Adam stared up at Ronan, who still had one hand held on his heart, the other trapping Adam against the wall. A single tear fell down Ronan's cheek and Adam lifted a hand to wipe it even though there was still tears falling down his own cheeks. 

"You love me?" Adam asked unable to believe that those words had just come out from Ronan Lynch's mouth. 

Ronan grinned. "Yes, I fucking love you, you nerd. I've always loved you." Ronan pressed his forehead to Adam. Unable to hold himself up, Adam collapsed to the floor. Ronan caught him before his body hit the floor. He slowly lowered them both down. Ronan shifted so Adam was sat between Ronan's legs, his back pressed against Ronan's chest. 

"I'm just so tired." Adam cried, his whole body shaking. "I don't know how much more I can take of this." He mutters causing Ronan's arms to tense around him. 

"Can take of what Parrish?"

"This everything. I just feel so pathetic and useless. All I want to do is be happy with my boyfriend and I can't because I'm always overwhelmed with the stupid worries that I'm gonna get too used to you being here, I'm going to get too attached to you and then you're going to wake up one day and realize that I'm not worth it, that I was a mistake and you have been wasting your time caring about me for the past few years." Adam scoffs. "God I can't sleep in the same bed as you because I'm worried that I'll lose control again and hurt you or I'd wake up screaming again and do something stupid." He runs his hands through his hair, pulling at it a little too hard. After the third time, Ronan catches his hands. He laces their fingers together and his thumb rubs circles on the back of dams hand. Another broken sob comes out of Adam at the sight. Even the smallest actions seem to get Adams heart to break. He'd miss this. God, he'd miss Ronan so much.

"I don't want to lose you, Ro. I don't want to lose what we have. I'm just scared that I'm not enough."Adam whispers. Ronan's arms tighten around Adam but he doesn't say anything. They both just sit in silence, Ronan's hands playing with Adams fingers and Adam just leaning against Ronan's chest, trying to slow his breathing. 

The silence of the Barns relaxed Adam. The silence was somehow comforting and spoke for itself, it was peaceful in a way where you could feel at home and know that no matter what was happening, he was going to be okay. The silence was comfortable, a silence between two lost people. They enjoyed the warmth of companionship, rather than the noise of chattering incessantly as they sat. Adam leaned he had against Ronan's chest and listened to the constant thump of his heart, reminding Adam that he was alive, they both were. 

Ronan's lips attached to Adams' neck as he trailed kisses along his shoulders and up his neck. "You know I wouldn't care if you put your hands back around my neck. I'd probably still adore you no matter what," Adam was quiet as he turned his head to look up at Ronan who was staring down at his a soft smile on his lips. It was a rare look to be seen n Ronan Lynch's face and him and Opal were probably the only ones to see it. 

"And last time I checked, I did." Ronan kissed Adam and he put up no protest. Although the kiss was short a sweet Adam could feel all the love behind that simple kiss. "I love you." Adam sighed staring up into his boyfriend's brilliant blue eyes. Ronan grinned and kissed Adams forehead. "I know and I love you too, no matter what."


End file.
